Well, Well, Look Who's Fifty

Today I turned 50. I havent really been looking forward to this day, but if the good Lord let me live this long, I am thankful for that.

I look back over my life and wish I had a couple hundred do overs. I am not entirely happy with a lot of decisions I have made over time. In fact, I am down right ashamed of a lot of things. The only solace I have is that I have learned a lot of lessons. Lessons that needed to be learned and have made me a lot wiser. And a lot more cautious. I used to live on the edge and that is not attractive to me anymore. Living on the edge the way I used to hurt myself and a lot of people around me. But I do like fun now--dont get confused because I am all about some fun!

Today, I am content with my life. For the first time I can remember I am not afraid. I used to get afraid when I got content. Afraid that when the next shoe fell the rug would be pulled out from under me and everything would be gone.

My life is simple and some people would say boring. But I am not bored. To be able to go outside and appreciate the things around me is a wonderful thing. To have the love of my friends and my family is the best gift I could be given. There was a time when I would not have been able to feel or see that.

I have been known to say I have the body of a 60 year old and the mind of a twenty year old. I think young. But I cant do the things I did physically at twenty. If I think about it that is not a true statement. I dont think like I did at twenty. Cause I wouldnt do the things my 20 year old mind would do! But I can say that I am a very open minded, forward thinking person. I love everyone that relates to me for who I am and I do the same for them. I move toward the kind, honest and sincere people of the world regardless of their color, nationality or sexual preferences. I recoil from the person who is dishonest, mean, liars and self centered people that only want what they can get from a person or situation. I always try to be a good friend and appreciate the value of a good friend.

Being 50 may not be so bad. I just dont want my life to be one year closer to the time I am gone. That is because I feel like I have just begun to appreciate what God has given me. I was told a long time ago and told more than once--Live in the day. Always remember that what I do today will directly affect my tomorrows. But enjoy the day!

Hummingbirds

For days now I have been trying to get pictures of the Hummingbirds that are coming to our feeder. They are fast little things and fly away just as I am getting ready to take a shot. Then when I put the camera down they will come back and hover for minutes on end and eat and drink to their hearts content.

FINALLY this morning I got a few shots in. This is not easy with a Kodak Easy Share camera by the way. But this may be the best I can do so I share them with you.

What Is That Smell?

I have had a busy week. Im not sure what I have done but I am exhausted so I must have been doing something. The heat is horrible, the humidity is worse. This is the way it always is in August down here. Absolutely unbearable. This is the time everything turns brown from a lack of rain and an over abundance of sunshine.

Mother is still scheduled for surgery the 24th of this month. I am not quite as worried as I was. Her PET scan came back clear of cancer except for the one in her mouth. That is a real good thing. Now to just get over the hurdle of the surgery and the doctor plans to harvest some lymph nodes and make sure there isnt any microscopic cancer in them. Better safe than sorry. I worry how much if any of her tongue will be taken out. How hard it will be for her to eat and how long that will last. I hate she has to go through this, but I want it to be over as soon as possible.

Lester fell at work. He slipped on ice in the freezer and landed on his hips and back causing whiplash to his neck. He is going to be okay. The problem is he wants it to be more than it is. He faking his symptoms. His family is encouraging him. He says he cant hear but he can. He cant lift anything, but he can. He cant drive, but he can. He cant sit, but he can. He cant stand, but he can. He is dizzy, but he is not. None of those things is wrong with him. His neck and shoulders are slightly stiff. That is it. He says he is suing and going to get rich. I cant get it through his head that he has no law suit. He wasnt even prescribed medication. He has no long term disability. He has nothing to sue for. What is going to happen is he is going to lose his job if he doesnt co-operate with Workman's Comp. That is what will happen if he doesnt straighten up.

He wants me to play the game and lie for him. I cannot do that. I refuse to do that. He says I am negative towards him and changing towards him because I wont play the game. Honestly, I am extremely disappointed in him right now. Very disappointed.

I have a lot on my plate. Between work and what is going on with Momma, I am not up for a lot of bullshit. And this is bullshit.

And bullshit stinks.

Not My Momma

I found out about two weeks ago that Momma has this thing in her mouth, on her tongue. According to her it wasnt a big deal, and she never paid much attention to it. When she went to get her bottom denture plate repaired the doctor noticed it and send her to an oral surgeon.

This little thing in her mouth as she described it is quite large. It is about the size of a freakin spoon and it is growing from under her tongue up and over the top of the tongue. It is HUGE. She cant eat or taste anything. A biopsy was done and it is cancer. This "little thing" has been there for some time. This is what she says now.

So now a black cloud is coming on the horizon and I am terribly worried. There are more tests to be done to see if this has spread any where else and it will have to be removed and along with that a few lymph nodes to make sure it isnt there also. She will stay two nights in the hospital.

My mind keeps screaming that she is almost 85 years old. She has lost a lot of weight lately from not eating. I worry because she has let it live there for so long and just get bigger and bigger. I am trying to understand why she did this but I have to realize that a lot of people try to ignore these things and hope they just go away.

Tomorrow she will have the scan to see if it has spread. So there is a knot in my stomach and sometimes I panic and feel like I cant breath. Waiting for the results is horrible. It seems like forever until we know everything and where she stands with this.

I cant lose my Momma right now. I am not ready. For the past few years as she has gotten older and less active I have tried to prepare myself for the time when she may not be with us. I know that time is not on our side at her age. But when I am faced with the fact that she has cancer in her mouth and it could have spread it scares the shit out of me. I feel like a little child that is still so very dependent on her Momma. That is weird but I think it proves you never stop needing your Momma.

The Best Flea Control I Have Ever Used

Fleas have been a huge deal this summer for my dog(s). I say dogs, I really only own one but Orso is Lester's dog and it seems that over time he has become my responsibility. That's okay, I love Orso and he loves me so it is all good. A sweet boy, he just wants to jump on you all the time.

But back to my point. The fleas are HORRIBLE. About a month ago I went out and discovered that despite all that has been done for them, they were still being eaten alive by fleas. When I say eaten alive, that is exactly what was happening. We have tried everything known to man. Frontline used to work well, but I think this year it has only encouraged the fleas to breed. I have tried that, I have tried that coupled with home remedies like garlic. Just for the record, the only way Lucky will eat garlic is if I stuff it down her throat. This only makes her run from me when she sees me coming. That is a battle I hate to take on in a 100 degree heat and a broken foot. Needless to say she wins every time.

So I have almost pulled my hair out trying to figure out what in the world to do. I have surfed the net, I have bathed them almost daily, I have watched them scratch until they bled, I have listened to Lucky cry. Literally cry.

Then along comes a suggestion from a friend at work. Confortis. I think that is how it is spelled. But it is a once a month pill that costs about 20 bucks a pop. Initially that may sound expensive for 2 dogs, but hey, not when you have gone through what me and the dogs have been through it sounds good. So I gave it a shot. Shoved the pill down Lucky's throat because she wasnt having it, and just gave it to Orso. He loved it and begged for more.

The next day I went out and WOW! NO FLEAS! I was doing a happy dance and the dogs joined in. I can not believe it. It worked like a charm. If you do this remember to give the pill on a full stomach. But it is an awesome thing.

Try it if you are having flea problems.

The Heat Will Cook You Like A Roast In The South

This is one hot ass summer. The temperatures hit 100 at least 2 weeks ago and the humidity is extremely high. You just cant get cool no matter what you do. August is just around the corner and that is usually the hottest month of the year so I expect it to be miserable. The other side of hell I call it. It wont rain either. Thank goodness the garden is about done producing except for the melons, one other planting of corn and tomatoes. That may be manageable enough. If the sun dries up my melons I am going to be pissed off. I have been impatiently waiting on those melons since they were planted.

I go out to those melons almost every day. I watch the progress from the time a bloom comes on the vine until they get ready to pick. Some sugar baby melons have already gotten ready and I have eaten those up. Now for the big guys. I noticed today there are two melons that I can probably pick Sunday. CANT WAIT!!!!

I noticed one thing about this garden. EVERYONE wants something. EVERYONE. People we dont even like and they dont like us suddenly become your best friend. I get very irritated about it because people we have sweated bullets out there in that garden. I had to just about fight this one guy off my melons! At the time I hadnt even had a melon yet and he was determined to talk me out of one. I might be prone to kill over a watermelon. Just try something like that on a bad day for me.

Our garden was big. REALLY big. When I broke my foot and Alvaro got deported, it was almost too much for Lester. I felt bad about it. I think we have gotten over the hard part now though. My foot is better and like I said, a lot of the vegetables are done for this year. Unless he decides to plant a late harvest. If he does that I dont want to hear any complaining out of him.

None NA DA

Today Is Weird

A lot has been going on around here. One--I broke my foot and Im crazy bored. Thank God I get to go back to work Wednesday. Two-Our other roommate, Alvaro, got deported on Friday. He was in jail for DUI and after his court appearance he was taken away by immigration and headed to Louisiana for the first boat back to El Salvador.

I dont want to step on any toes, but I am going to say how I feel about this. I like Alvaro. Really, I do. But what did he and everyone else expect? He was ILLEGAL. I watched all this go down with a very non-upset heart. He shouldnt have been drinking and driving either. This trouble was the result of his own making. He was supposedly planning to home in December, so--what the hell--he goes a few months early and gets a free trip to boot.

But Lester is down and out about it. He says he isnt but he is. Also, there is something else wrong. I cant put my finger on it, but something else is going on. He isnt talking. He was yesterday but he isnt today. I have tried all day to hold a conversation but he isnt participating.

He is also worried because of the lost rent. A big total of $150.00 a month. I mean, COME on! If $150.00 bucks is going to break you maybe you were living a little too close to the edge. And why have I been paying twice that much? No wonder he likes me. He is talking of selling chickens, horses, dogs. Crazy as hell. When he said something about the dogs I had to bite my tongue to remind him that I buy all their food. I take care of the dogs, he doesnt. But from his mood, it may not have been a good idea. I may still do it if things dont lighten up. There is only so much of this cry baby shit I can take.

I think the best thing for me to do is stay in my end of the house and leave him the hell alone until this storm in his brain blows over.

Another example of how men make my eye twitch sometimes.