So I was bothered with myself all night last night. It was about yesterday's post and my inablility to express what I was trying to say. I have a huge problem with that. I wanted to talk about my personality disorder and somehow got off on desegregation. The only part that played was the fact that I went into a unfamiliar environment during changing times and still become the favorite of teachers. I felt like that was some kind of accomplishment or something. You have to remember I was a child. As I look back at that though, I realize that it was one of the signs that I have a malfunction in my brain. It is really hard to be popular and not want to be around people.
I isolate a lot. I feel really safe when I do that. Sometimes it gets lonely and that is when I get the depression and the need to talk to somebody or go do something. But because I am the way I am more times than not, people are not available right when I want to be around them. Mostly because I have been isolating and not been available to them.
When I get asked to go out to eat or visit somebody, I usually force myself to go. Because I know that is what I should do. Usually I have a nice time and I am glad I went. But the anticipation of going makes me nervous. I want everything to go perfectly and I want everyone around me to enjoy my company. If I dont think they have enjoyed themselves then I feel like a failure.
Also, I insist that people call me before they come to see me. Even my best friend of 30 years has to do that. If they dont I get very aggravated and put out with them. I have even refused to go to the door if that happens. I know that is mean. But I have done it. Even if they knew full well I was home. I havent done that in a while because over the years people have learned how I am. And for the record I never go to anyones house without calling them first and make sure that it is a good time.
If people tend to want too much of my time I start feeling like they are ripping my head off and sucking the blood out of me. And they may want nothing more from me than to talk about a problem they are having or spend time with me because they like me. That is strange way to feel because I am really a very giving person.
My mother is here right now and we are having a great time. However she has invited my niece and her husband to cook out this weekend. Saturday night to be exact. She bought a grill and charcoal and even patio chairs. Basically she has went out of her way for me. But I dont want them to come to cook out. Because I dont want the responsibility of entertaining. It makes me nervous. I would rather it just be me and her. But she wants this to happen really bad. Of course, this was her idea and not mine. One of the problems for me there. Even though she has bought everything it makes me feel like she is ripping my head off and sucking the blood out of me.
I know I should not feel this way. I know I am wrong. This is my family. It shouldnt be a problem. It may not even happen anyway. My niece is just like me. She may not want to do all this. And we are planning to go over and babysit the twins Friday night so that may satisfy my mother. I also have pretty much convinced mother that it might be more fun to cook for just me and her. Either way, I will go along with whatever. Because dissappointing my 82 year old mother is not worth backing out of her plans and staying in my comfort zone.