Where Is The Toilet Paper

We went on our monthly trip to Sips N Strokes last night. We painted Black & White Christmas. I dont think it is very Christmasy but I like the picture a lot. I was very nervous because this is a hard picture and the class was 3 hours instead of two. The time frame of the class enforced my belief that this picture was hard. We had a great time, but getting there was the part of the evening that is most memorable to me.

I will start off by saying that I am a very punctual person. If I think I am going to be late I literally panic. It ruins everything. I also want to say that I have unconditional love for Amber and she does for me too. We are a lot alike and even though there are some things that are different about each other, we understand those things. When we are together you can always look back and see the situation as funny. And I do today. I didnt last night, but I do today.

Amber gets to my house at 5:45 pm and we need to be at the gallery by 6:30 to be able to sit together, let alone get good seats. I want good seats. This is a must. It is a 20 minute drive. That gives me the little bit of time I need to stop and let Amber get toilet paper and snacks. We stop at Dollar Tree.

Let the games begin.

Me: I am just going to wait in the car while you run in.

Amber: Noooo! You come in, I dont want to feel rushed because your waiting in the car. Im just getting toilet paper.

Warning! Buzzing starting in my head. I go in.

Amber: I need some sinus medicine.

Me: Here--this is the equivalent to Sudafed.

Amber: No it's not--well, I guess it is. How much is this stuff?

Me: A dollar--everything here is a dollar.

Amber: Oh look! They have shampoo! I need something for oily hair. Do they have that? What's this? Is it any good?

Me: Yes--I have some - I like it

Amber: It wont work on me it isnt for oily hair. Do you see anything else?

Okay this went on and on and she finally chose some for her, and some shampoo and conditioner for the babies. All the while opening the bottles and smelling it and wondering why they only have one brand of childrens shampoo. I remind her that this is The Dollar Tree and not Walmart.

I walk away to look for some beef jerky. I am trying to get her to hurry but we havent yet found toilet paper, which is what we came for. Nothing else. Just the toilet paper.

I come back and she is on the isle that has a few odds and ends of clothing and stuff. Not nice clothing but she finds baby panties. For little girls. So we have to go through those and Kenzy's size.

Amber: Oh look! These are cute! I need some panties for the kids. I need a size 2. Do you see any? Is this all they have? How much are they?

Me: This is what they have and here is a size 2 and they are a dollar. Everything is a dollar.

Amber: Okay, I really wish they had a bigger selection? Dont you see anymore?

Me: This is what they have. Hurry up Amber, we were just supposed to get toilet paper!

Amber: Im looking for the little boys panties. (never heard them called panties but whatever, I let it go, we dont have time and the clock continues to tick)

Me: They dont seem to have any.

Amber: Well you dont know, help me look. They have girls, they should have boys!

Me: All the underwear is right here Amber. There are none. You are lucky to find these. You are at The Dollar Tree. They dont carry the same thing from week to week. This is just what they happen to have.

Amber: Well you dont have to get snippy. I still need toilet paper.

Ugh! Bite my tongue. Count to 10. Run to toilet paper and hand it to her.

Amber: Is this all they have? I dont like this.

Me: Yes! YES! This is all they have! It's The Dollar Tree! They dont have a big selection!

Amber: How much is it?

Me: A FUCKING DOLLAR!

Amber: Okaaay! Gawd!

I get her up to the checkout and the lady in front of us is paying. Amber announces for me to hold her place in line while she goes back to look for boy panties! I almost lose it. I convince her sternly to stay in line and pay.

We still had to stop for her a snack and that involved her shopping the bumper sticker rack and then finally paying. She got back to the car and decided she needed an energy drink. So after COUNTING NICKELS AND DIMES (clock ticking, brain buzzing) so she wouldnt have to pay with bills she went back in and got it. I am eating cigarrettes by this time. The clock is ticking. We are going to be late. I cant handle it. I just cant. It is almost too much. My paint experience will be ruined and it is costing $35.00. A $35.00 experience cannot be ruined.

Amber: (back in the car - we are pulling out) I dont know why you almost have a nervous break down. We are going to be on time.

Me: It's 6:20. It takes 20 minutes to get there.

Amber: SO! What is the big deal.

I didnt get okay until we got there. I was almost irrational. I had to try hard not to say anything I would regret. I didnt.

Today I look back at it and it seems funny. Im weird, I know. But she is weird too.

PS: Amber told me today the instructor had nice breast and her little round belly really complimented that fact.