Tuesday, May 20, 2008

My Biggest Fear Right Now

Have I mentioned lately how happy I am? I am pretty happy. I dont have as much pressure on me about money because since I moved I am saving about $200.00 a month on gas. My visit with Mother was great. I actually sleep at night because it is so quiet. No one is roaming around late at night running their mouths and waking me up. That in itself is a blessing. There is no 1 hour drive to or from work. So that makes my day a lot less tiring. My blood sugars are doing better. I go to the doctor tommorrow and I am sure she is going to adjust my meds more. But even so, they are better.

I just have one worry. I always have to have something to worry about. That is my nature and I get it honest. My mother is like that and so was my grandmother. So if worry could be inherited, I guess I inherited it.

I am worried about Jeff. Jeff is my ex. The last one I had. (I have many ex's.) We were together about 4 years. The last year was off and on and was not a good year at all. Up until then things were pretty good. In fact they were wonderful and I was happier than I had ever been with any man. Jeff is a lot younger than me. He has a big heart, he is funny and we really enjoyed each other. But he had a problem I was not aware of and as it got worse, things fell apart. He has a drug problem that early on in our relationship he was able to control and hide. But as everyone knows, that does not last.

We have been over for about a year. In my mind and my heart. A couple of times I have attempted to help him. I let him come stay with me once. That lasted about 2 weeks. We werent back together but it was difficult to have him there in a friend kind of way. Anyway, he messed up and I had to tell him to leave. The whole time he cried and begged me to let him stay. I stayed strong and sent him on his way.

He still calls me from time to time. Mostly wanting help with his drug problem. He knows I have contacts and can help him. I have given him many suggestions but he hasnt really been ready to get help. He is homeless. Along with his mother who is also an addict. He has no family support is what I am getting at. The last time Jeff called was the weekend I moved. It was late and I was asleep. I didnt hear the phone. The next morning I saw the message and he was begging and crying for me to please call him back. He wanted telephone numbers of the people I know who can help him. He just sounded so lost. And I really believe he was.

The call must have been a pay phone or something. I didnt reconize the number and when I call it there is no answer and no machine. It just rings and rings. I havent heard a thing from him since and it has been 3 weeks. He usually doesnt go that long. I have no way to contact him.

I am praying he is okay. Everytime I hear about a death or accident on the news my heart stops. Is there more I could be doing? I question that so much. What if he dies like my stepson James did? This is my worst fear right now? Can I live with it? I dont have any answers for this.

I dont want a relationship with Jeff anymore. Even if he got better. But I do want him to be okay and happy and living the fullest life he can. I just dont think I can fix him. As much as I would like to.


Linda said...

Oh Lynn, I have always been such a worrier too. And I can totally rememer worrying because I had nothing to worry about. How f'd up is that? After a ton of "self talk" I really came to the realization that worrying was just a waste of time. "Worrying" in itself is just useless,just plain brain taking time.
Your ex is probably just fine. I know how difficult it is when you are trying to reach someone, and can't, but I've adopted the theory that "no news is good news". Hopefully that is the case.

Denise said...

Aww Girlfriend. try not to worry. i know it is hard though. Maybe he is getting the help he needs. I sure hope so. I will keep you in my thoughts and burn a candle for you. Please keep us posted. HUgs!

Lynnbug said...

Thanks you guys--Linda I am such a bad worrier that if everything is alright I worry about that! LOL

Denise-burn 2 candles!!