Thursday, June 26, 2008

Crazy in Alabama

Depression is a fucking drag. I have had depression a long time. I believe I was depressed as early as 13 years old. I just didnt know it. Something was definitely not firing right in the brain. I was really weird in high school.

I always felt inferior and I always wanted to get lost in the crowd. At the same time I wanted to have lots of friends. Strange combo I know. I never have figured out how to get that one right. I think it is impossible.

Now I take anti-depressants and they help a lot of the really low lows and the major anxiety and sadness. But I have to constantly fight off the need to be alone. See over the years I have found myself deeper and deeper in isolation. the thing is most of the time I am okay with it.

I feel safe when I am alone and I am comfortable with it. There are no stresses. I am perfectly happy with just me and my dog and cat. We all get along great. We like all the same stuff.

But when I shut myself off from the world it can become a problem. I get to the point that I dont want to see my family or even talk to them on the phone. I avoid all my friends too. Then the day will come when I need to speak to someone just to maintain some sort of sanity and I cant reach anyone. The family is usually there, but the friends arent. They have drifted away and just plain moved on.

I have one friend that I have known for years and we are very close. I think she understands me better than anyone. T is fine with not hearing from me for months at a time. Then when we do get together it is like we talk every day. I could get in my car any time of the day or night and go to her house and she would most likely be just fine with it. If it is late at night she probably would just make room for me in the bed and not even bother to wake up. She definitely wouldnt ask me any questions. She has depression too. But I dont think she has the problem with isolating like I do. She just understands it.

I worry sometimes that our friendship with fade away. She has a great life with 3 wonderful children that are just about grown. (Actually they are grown I just wont admit it) She was always extremely popular, she has a pretty great boyfriend also. I worry that she thinks I dont care about our friendship as much as I used to. But I really do.

You know sometimes you wake up and time has passed you by. There are things you should have done for the people you care about. There are a lot of important events in peoples lives you have missed for one reason or other. Mine is mostly because I cant bring myself to get out of my comfort zone. I make the excuse that I just dont feel like it. I do that a lot. I know that it hurts the people I love. I am aware of how selfish that is.

I struggle with this all the time. There will come a day when I will truly regret all the things I have missed because of my depression and the isolation. A doctor told me that what I have is Borderline Personality Disorder with a secondary diagnosis of depression and anxiety. So I finally got labeled. I was also told I couldnt form bonds with people very well. Hell, I already knew that. It took them 6 weeks of intense out-patient therapy to find out. I think I was even the one the told them.

I want to form relationships with people. I have had many relationships. My problem has always been maintaining those relationships. The older I get the harder it gets.

I dont know if this post has even made any sense. Cause, really, I am one crazy bitch.


Denise said...

You are one crazy bitch but I still love you. Oh and you reach out to me. Look at that email you sent me. So cut yourself some slsck girlfriend. Hugs.

Lynnbug said...

I accept my isolationism. It works for me right now. I just get scraed one day I will wish I had been more outgoing.

Linda said...

It's ok to be exactly like you are. I'm very friendly, but I don't want to many friends cause I don't want people bugging me. I don't want to dodge phone calls or keep turning people down when they want to do something.
If you ever get to the time when you wish you had been more outgoing you can change it then. It's never too late to make new friends and reach out.