It happened again. I woke up yesterday morning and the first thing I did was burst into tears. I am talking Boo -hooing. I have no idea why. Nothing has really happened. It must be depression only this is the first time in a long time I have cried for no apparent reason. This lasted a good 30 minutes. All I felt was total despair and pain. Physical pain and emotional pain. I hate when this happens.
I have been out of my anti-depressants for about a month. My doctor gives me samples and she is out. So I am just fucked until she gets some more in.
While I was crying I took care of two issues I havent had the guts to do anything about.
1. My bestfriend T. I am not even sure if she is my friend anymore much less my bestfriend. When we talk she assures me everything is fine. But this past year I have felt more and more completely shut out of her life. I have to call her about 20 times for her to call me back. So yesterday-when I was crying- I called. I told her I knew I would get the voice mail but that I would not be calling anymore. I told her I just felt like we were growing apart and there was nothing I could do to make it right. I told her I loved her. And that was it.
2. I called my ex, Lewis. He had called the other night and left me a VOICE MAIL to stop by his house later on if I wanted to. For those who dont know - that means he wants his fill in fuck. So I called him and got his voice mail. I told him to please not call me to fuck him anymore. I told him we do not have a relationship and it appeared we never would and I just couldnt do that anymore. I told him I loved him and needed his friendship but I was not his booty call and I deserved to be treated better than that.
It may have not been the best time to take care of these two issues. But I was so depressed I had to go ahead and bite that bullet. I was hoping it would make me feel better. All it did was make me feel guilty.
I also got a call from T. that afternoon. I think she was actually mad that I called her and left the voice mail like I did. But WTF--that is the only way I can talk to her.
To top a totally terrible day off-my boss got on my niece about the medication she takes and let me know that depression is all in your head. A sign of weakness. He had no idea I take medication but he does now. (We had been discussing the fact that my niece has begun having seizures)
So I am depressed and have no reason to be. It is a sign of weakness. It is also a sign that I did not know my boss was an MD.