Tuesday, July 29, 2008

A Sign Of Weakness

It happened again. I woke up yesterday morning and the first thing I did was burst into tears. I am talking Boo -hooing. I have no idea why. Nothing has really happened. It must be depression only this is the first time in a long time I have cried for no apparent reason. This lasted a good 30 minutes. All I felt was total despair and pain. Physical pain and emotional pain. I hate when this happens.

I have been out of my anti-depressants for about a month. My doctor gives me samples and she is out. So I am just fucked until she gets some more in.

While I was crying I took care of two issues I havent had the guts to do anything about.

1. My bestfriend T. I am not even sure if she is my friend anymore much less my bestfriend. When we talk she assures me everything is fine. But this past year I have felt more and more completely shut out of her life. I have to call her about 20 times for her to call me back. So yesterday-when I was crying- I called. I told her I knew I would get the voice mail but that I would not be calling anymore. I told her I just felt like we were growing apart and there was nothing I could do to make it right. I told her I loved her. And that was it.

2. I called my ex, Lewis. He had called the other night and left me a VOICE MAIL to stop by his house later on if I wanted to. For those who dont know - that means he wants his fill in fuck. So I called him and got his voice mail. I told him to please not call me to fuck him anymore. I told him we do not have a relationship and it appeared we never would and I just couldnt do that anymore. I told him I loved him and needed his friendship but I was not his booty call and I deserved to be treated better than that.

It may have not been the best time to take care of these two issues. But I was so depressed I had to go ahead and bite that bullet. I was hoping it would make me feel better. All it did was make me feel guilty.

I also got a call from T. that afternoon. I think she was actually mad that I called her and left the voice mail like I did. But WTF--that is the only way I can talk to her.

To top a totally terrible day off-my boss got on my niece about the medication she takes and let me know that depression is all in your head. A sign of weakness. He had no idea I take medication but he does now. (We had been discussing the fact that my niece has begun having seizures)

So I am depressed and have no reason to be. It is a sign of weakness. It is also a sign that I did not know my boss was an MD.


Denise said...

being depressed is not a weakness. Shit girl!
I am so so sorry that you are going through this. I myself, am so depressed that I can barely get out of bed in the mornings.
Every morning I wake up and it hits me. Fuck is this seriously my life? I know I have my health and my beautiful children, but it is not enough. I worry about how I will take care of them. I worry about me I really do. I am just so fucking depressed. If you lived near by which I wish that you did we could lean on and support each other. I would give you a big old hug.
Sometimes there never is a good time to take care of the shit in your life. You just have to bite the bullet as you say. You will get through this girlie. I love you.

Linda said...

Omg. I so hope that you are being facetious with the "sign of weakness" part. Everyone, especially those that are not doctors, know that depression is usually due to brain tranmitters not working properly. Sometimes depression is merely due to circumstances, but most of the time the depressed person has brain chemical issues.My mother suffered her entire life with depression, as well as her sister, which also indicates the hereditary factor. Thankfully, it is not an issue with me (keeping my fingers crossed) but I will have to say that I had periods in my earlier life when I had no hope for anything positive. Pretty much knowing that it was circumstantial, I read a lot of self help, self motivating books to get out of the funk. I really consider myself lucky for that.
I hope that you can get back on the medication soon. Obviously that is a great help to you, which is wonderful.
I will send good positive thoughts your way. You are a great gal!!

Lynnbug said...

I was being sarcastic about A sign of weakness cuz that is what my boss was flapping his jaws about. I almost snapped on him. It was the LAST thing I wanted to hear. I know I have a decent life--I just feel like Denise--sometimes these things cant stop the depression. I still feel terrible today but I am just putting one foot in front of the other.