I have been thinking my clothes were a tiny bit looser here lately. I went and weighed myself and it appears I have lost about 7 pounds since starting to work at Wal-mart. Not bad for a month. If I could get away from the fast food I would lose a lot more. I just cant figure out how to cook and work two jobs.
There isnt enough time in the day for anything. When I do get some extra time I just want to sit and watch TV or sleep. Blessed sleep. I long for it. Bossman says I need a man to help me out around the house. I bite my tongue to keep from letting him in on the fact that every man I have ever been in a relationship with sucked at helping around the house. My experience with men have been that they are just added work. I have no delusions that I would pick any differently - also, I am not exactly getting my door beat down by them either. I keep thinking one day I will change my mind. I will want a relationship. I will be lonely. So far it hasnt happened and every day that goes by it seems like I get further away from wanting to be in a relationship.
I mean, is it really necessary to have a relationship? Would it define me more as a person? Is my life a failure just because I am not in a relationship? Am I less of a woman? For some reason I do not think so. A long time ago I went through a period of time when I was not in a relationship and I wanted to be in one so badly. I went out on a blind date with this guy and I cannot even remember his name. It was just one date. I do remember he was a youth pastor at a very large Baptist church in Birmingham. At the time I was very active in my church in Northport which was also a Baptist church. During the date he found out I was divorced. I could tell he was surprised about it. At the end of the date he informed me that he would not be able to take me out again because I was divorced and he was looking for a virgin. WTF! We were both like 30 years old! I told him good luck on the virgin and he would be lucky at his age to find a woman that didnt have children at our age. He told me God would not honor any relationship I had because I was still considered married in God's eyes and it would be considered an adulterous relationship. Bye-Bye-Bye!
I got upset and called the pastor of the church I attended and talked to him a long time about divorce and re-marriage in the eyes of the church. My pastor was extremely nice and told me that what this guy says was not completely true. Even in the eyes of God. He told me that if in fact I was not to be in a relationship, that God would remove the desire from me and put something else just as rewarding in my life. But he assured me that the guy I went out with was not an authority on what he was talking about.
Here lately I have been wondering if there is a grain of truth in what my pastor talked to me about that night. It was like 20 years ago. I know that for about the last 2 years I have not wanted to be in a relationship and I have sort of went about meeting someone half-heartedly. Sort of just doing it because that was what I thought I was supposed to do as a person. It is what is expected. I dont want to be the woman that is old and gray and people say "Poor Lynn, she is all alone without anybody. I think I will check on her and make sure she has lunch or something. Poor little old maid." I really hope that old-fashioned way of thinking is becoming a real thing of the past.
I dont know what the future holds for me. What I do know is that I have a really wonderful family and lots of fantastic friends. I am busier than a cat covering up shit and I dont know when that will change. I am not rich but my life is full.
Just for today, that is enough.
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