I'm officially 48 years old. That was Monday. The whole birthday thing was almost uneventful. My bosses gave me a gift basket of candles and my favorite Amish Garlic Dill Pickles. Oh, and a watermelon. I could eat watermelon all day every day. I am a fiend for it. My mother came to town with two of her friends and we went to lunch. But I knew when I met her for lunch she was totally clueless it was my birthday. Totally. She is 82 years old and forgetful. The next day she called and apologized. She finally realized it was my birthday. I told her I have had so many not to worry about it.
I feel old and sometimes I wonder what the purpose of my life is. Im 48, single and at a job that may or may not last until the end of the year. I do little or nothing most of the time and never go anywhere unless it is to the grocery store, laundromat, work or to visit family. This is my choice I suppose. But when I think about getting up off my butt and doing anything, I cant even think of anything I would like to do. But speaking of visiting my family I did just that Tuesday.
I went and spent the day with Amber and the twins. I should not say "the twins." Amber hates for the babies to be referred to as "the twins." She will quickly tell you their names are Kinzey and Owen. I kind of agree. They are individuals and deserve to be individualized.
It was a fun day with them. I played and played with them. They seem to love me more everytime I see them. I got hugs from both and lots of kisses. Kinzey wanted me to put on her winter hat and make sure I tied it under my chin. After I got that on she told me it was cute. Then I had to jump up and down and dance a new dance she was learning. The dance amounted to shaking her hands back and forth on both sides of her knees. Amber told me I must not realize how ridiculas I looked jumping up and down and dancing with the hat on. The hat had little bunny ears. But we had a ton of fun and it didnt matter to me. These days will be gone long before I am ready for them to be and I dont want to miss a thing.
Not one thing.
And the last thing I want to talk about is my new anti depressant the doc put me on. Prestiq is the name of it. I have never heard of it so it may be new. At first it made me really tired. Now I am not as tired, but I dont have any emotions. None. I dont laugh and I dont cry. I just dont care. I still want to be in the house and around no one. Every once in a while I feel a little panicky but it goes away after about 15 minutes. The kids ( I mean Kinzey and Owen) gave me more joy than I had felt in a week. But even then it was not like it usually is. I dont really want to talk, I want to be left alone in Lynn's world. That is normal except I think it is a little worse. I dont want to cook a meal even though I may be starving. I dont even want to fix a sandwich. I wont clean house either. Really, I am just not motivated to do much of anything except watch TV and sleep. Work is forced. I do it because there is no way out of it. But I dont feel depressed. Like I said, I dont feel anything.
So I'm not sure if I should stop taking them or give them another week. I might have to stop taking them. I am supposed to call her and let her know what is going on. I may do that Friday morning if things arent any better.
I just dont know what to do about this.