The Men We Choose

I was talking to my BFF last night. I was so glad to hear from her. We havent talked a lot lately. She has a lot of things going on. Her youngest son is going into the Navy this summer. That makes all three of her children in the Navy. Also, she had a wreck and it was pretty bad. Almost half her ribs were broken and she is still in pain over month later.

We were talking about men. The men we choose seem to always have secrets. They either lie, cheat, fail to work or all of the above. And we still love them. Together we wondered why we still love them and miss them when they are gone. Is it because we just love abuse? Or do we love the challenge of thinking we can change them or that our influence will make them believe we are the best thing that ever happened to them? Maybe we read to many romance books or watch too many romantic comedies.

I reminded her that it took me a good two years to come to terms with my relationship with Jeff. Even now sometimes I get this little blip that goes through my mind of "what if?" That goes away very fast. Usually five minutes into a telephone conversation.

So she is going through this right now. I will not criticize her for missing a man that did terrible things to her. He didnt beat her anything, he just lied a lot, stopped working and stole from her. That's all. I wont criticize her because I have felt the same thing and I wanted support and understanding from her and I usually only got reminded of how awful things were with the guy I had been with and that I must be crazy to have any type of feeling for him that remotely represent caring or love. That made me feel worse. I told her that I supported whatever decision she made when he comes back. I also told her that I felt like she would quickly realize she didnt want him and remember why she wanted it to be over.

Men like this will call you when the relationship is over. Call you at the oddest times and tell you how much they miss you and love you. They want to convince us we are the most important person in their life. The manipulation is very convincing mostly because we want to desperately believe them. Because if it is true, we arent as crazy as we thought we were.

She seemed to appreciate our conversation and the fact that I didnt try to tell her how to feel or what to do.

I have always said if a bus full of men pulled up outside my house and I didnt know any of them, I would pick the sickest, meanest, the biggest liar on the bus. I am drawn to bad relationships like a moth to the flame. I have never figured out why.

What I do know is that until some of the ways I think changes, I am better off without a man. At 48 years old I realize my thinking my never change. I am okay without a man. Actually I am pretty happy. I have found out I am a better person without a sick relationship that I have to work at and worry about 24 hours a day. It sucks all the energy out of me.

I told Jeff one time that I felt like he ripped my head off and sucked all the blood out of my body. He did appreciate that comment at all. I also told him if he left me that would be fine, I would just go down to the mission and get another guy just like him. Now that REALLY made him mad.

I do get lonely. But I told my friend the loneliness comes from not spending time with people who are important to me. Mainly her and a couple of other longtime friends. She understood that completely.